Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
