Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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