I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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