My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
