Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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