She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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