Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
