what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
