I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
