After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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