4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
