My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
