Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
