I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
