He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
