so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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