theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
