and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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