I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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