1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
