I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
