I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
