so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
