so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
