I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
