Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
