my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
