Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize