I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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