My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
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I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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