Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
