i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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