He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
