Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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