i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I need a beard to bite.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
