a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
