Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
