Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
