If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
4 words: hood of his car
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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