come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
