Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
