My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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