im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
