I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
