apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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