if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
