Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
