if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
