Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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