I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
