can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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