Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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