after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
