thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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