the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
