what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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