At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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