I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
where are you?
Hypothermia
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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